Thursday, November 20, 2008

Big girls don't cry

Yesterday afternoon I got sucked into watching Bring it On: All or Nothing while nursing the kidlet. It's an extremely cheesy, straight-to-dvd movie about cheerleading. You know, one of those you're ashamed to admit you watched, but it's so bad that you can't turn it away.

I have always been jealous of those tiny, athletic girls. I have never been tiny and I am only moderately athletic if by athletic you mean I can walk a mile in under 15 minutes. I *was* a cheerleader in high school, but that doesn't count because anyone could be a cheerleader in high school. Heck, even our oldest sister, who is the least athletic out of the three of us, was a cheerleader.

Nothing like having a 5'10", senior on the JV football cheerleading squad (which was somewhat of a scandal because one of the two freshman that made it on the Varsity squad also happened to be the daughter of the new cheerleading coach and until then, seniors were automatically on the Varsity squad. But I was moved up to Varsity after a few weeks because some girls quit. I didn't care, I liked Wrestling cheerleading better anyway.)


I fear my poor daughter will never be known as a petite flower. Already, at just past 7 weeks, girlfriend is well over 12 pounds and quickly growing out of her 0-3m clothing. I know it's just not in her genetics to be a tiny thing; how can you with a dad who's 6'4" and a mom who's 5'10" and are both very, oh shall we say, sturdily built.

I just hope she's not "the big girl."

I was "the big girl" and it's not fun. From about 4th grade until freshman year of high school, I was teased for being fat. I was never huge, but I definitely liked my food - desserts especially. And because I was emtionally sensitive (read: I cried really easily), that made it even more fun to tease me. I don't want her to go through that. Though, maybe she'll be the scary big girl and just beat up the kids who tease her. Hmm... that might be even worse.

I wish I could say I'm completely happy with my body, but I don't think that will ever happen. I wish I could be back to where I was before I got pg with the kidlet. I look at women on TV or out and about and think "I wish I could look like that." I know being 7 weeks postpartum is not the best time to be judging my body (especially after all I've done the past 7 weeks is sit on the couch and nurse and eat). I also know I can lose the weight, I did it after the kiddo. And I know I physically and mentally feel better when I'm eating right and exercising. But half the time, even when I'm "skinny", I still feel like the big girl I was in middle school.

I want to teach our kids about being healthy and active and eating right, but how can I teach my own daughter to be happy with her body when I'm not happy with mine?

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